没有你的第七十天

i will marry a rich guy in future.
& im gonna live off him.
im tired&sick of life.

there will be a point in time that we will ask ourselves;
why are we born?
what are we born to do? to be?
yes, & these were the things that went through my mind,
always, on my way home.

maybe im running too much things in my mind,
but its all the insecurity i got.
i tried my best.
in studies,at home,in relationships,in life.
i tried.
what more should i do?
to satisfy the equation uphold in this pragmatic society?
i dont see the light at the tunnel's end.
no.
not even a tinge of it.
no rays, not to say beams of them.

im just an average girl.
a mere 17-going-on 18.
or perhaps just a mere incompetent worthless girl.
im utterly disgusted of myself.
of my useless stupid brain.
of everything.
sigh.
maybe even my characters that defines me are outright despicable&dumb.
just like its owner.

is there a thing that is worth holding on to in my world?
i told my bro i intend to marry & do nothing.
he gave me a thumbs up.

dreams are still dreams.
they float and fade away gradually when we pricked our eyes big,
& see that the world is afterall so not nice a place to live in,
not to mention one lives to enjoy life.
agree agree.
only the rich does that.
a lowly person like me dont really deserve life this way.

what were my dream when i was young?
i remembered.
was to be a TV host,
to be a detective,
to be a teacher.
inspiring.
not so now.
crossroads.
indecisive.

now?
dare not even dream of it!
pass alvls?
a dream.
get my ass into university?
a dream.
get a decent high pay job with my qualifications?
dont even dream of it.
cause why?
dreams are still dreams.

sorry.
but i find myself easily annoyed&frustrated by little things,
thats not me.
or maybe it is.
there's an element of my otherness.
but friends,
do you really understand me inside out?
i ask not of your understanding,
cause i need no such thing.
just,
let me be.
let me die.

i dont need care nor love.
no more of such childish things.
im all by myself,
all along.
in any case if you dont see,
im used to this anyhow.

i just committed one of the 7deadly sins.
envy.
envy of everything others have and i dont.

sigh.
life.
life.
life.
full-stop.